Things I've Learned from My Ex

Things I’ve Learned from My Ex

Honesty needs to be the foundation of every relationship.

It’s possible to love somebody even if they’re acting like an ass.

You can desire to be with somebody, even if you know that’s not what’s best for you.

Someone can love you and still be a liar, a cheater and a thief.

Your response to others’ crummy behavior is up to you.

People will leave even if you think things are going well.

You need to understand that it’s not possible to truly know somebody else.

When somebody shows you who they truly are, you need to trust what you saw and to act accordingly.

It’s possible to love a bad person.

It’s up to you to seek and hear the truth.

You have to stand up for your own hopes and dreams. If somebody loves you, they’ll support you.

You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of being respected.

If somebody hurts you so much that you can’t breathe, realize that it’s time to breathe.

Somebody can walk out of your life just as easily as they walked in.

If somebody isn’t with you, it’s because they really don’t want to be with you. There are no exceptions.

The ability to forgive is a divine gift.

If somebody leaves you, it’s okay to still love them.

If somebody leaves you, it’s okay to hate them.

Allow yourself to cry over the little things.

Don’t let anybody tell you that you should get over it.

Make the choice, when you’re ready, to dream about your new life.

Rest assured that you did what was right. Unless you didn’t do what was right. Either way, it’s time forgive yourself and to move on.

The reason your ex left isn’t because of who you truly are.

You will be able to love again.

Even if you’re afraid, keep your heart open.

Stay in the game. Don’t run away. You’ll be thankful you did.

Don’t give up. Try, try, try.

It doesn’t matter if you weren’t loved back like you loved. They’re not you, so they couldn’t.

When somebody treats you badly, walk away.

When your heart breaks, you are its best repair person. Don’t rely on another person to fix it.

You brought the love you felt into the relationship.

Most of us have loved the wrong person. Life will go on.

If somebody says they don’t want you, you need to accept the truth of what they said.

You’ll always have reasons to live if you focus on you.

When you’re dying of a broken heart, let yourself cry about it.

Put all your photos away and don’t look at them.

Always strive to take the high road. If you slip back down to the lower road, seek forgiveness and go back to the high road.

Their family isn’t your family. The loss will hurt. But your family is still your family.

The more shocking somebody’s behavior is, the better reasons to leave or to be glad that they left.

They didn’t leave you for a perfect life. They still have problems and issues. They didn’t become a better person when they left you.

You will be happy again. This is a universal truth.

Know yourself better. This will bring about a better life, and maybe even a new love.

Don’t stop breathing.

Talk to yourself about your ex until you’re tired of hearing about your ex.

Your love lives on inside you. This may be painful, but it is still beautiful.

Be open. Accept and say “yes” to new things.

It’s okay to plan revenge against your ex. Just don’t act on them.

Write angry and hurtful letters to your ex. But don’t send them.

Take care of yourself. Sleep and eat.

Remember that you will make it.

You’re stronger than you realize you are.

Life goes on all around you and wants you to jump back in.

A lost love might lead you to a greater love.

Dealing with a Cheater

Dealing with a Cheater

If you’ve been through the shock of discovering that your partner had an affair during your long-term romantic relationship or marriage, you’re not alone. Many others, have also endured this shock. I have, too.

Rationally, we understand that our “ex” isn’t part of our life anymore. But the ordeal can fracture our ego and mess up our emotions. And the mental anguish doesn’t fit in with logic!

On some levels, we know we’re wasting our time going over and over the details, asking ourselves why we didn’t know that the affair was going on, how they could lie to us when we asked if there was someone else, or how they could say that they loved, or how they actively made plans for a future together.

I think that the main reason we feel this deep level of hurt is that we experience what I call “Fairy-tale Recall:” we recall only the good times from the relationship. But at the same time, we’re shocked that we were lied to, and overcome with the concept that our former partner is in love with somebody else. It’s no surprise we feel so bad!

Here are some things I found helpful while going through the trauma. I’m sharing it in the hope that you find them helpful, too. Feel free to add to the list or to share your own story in the comments section after the post.

  1. Don’t seek revenge.

Don't seek revengeThink through, journal about and discuss, but don’t act out. The first thing many people want to do is to tell their ex that they were no-good, lying scoundrels. While that’s okay, actually doing this would reflect badly on you and harm your self image. So steer yourself away from actions like this. You generally don’t need to let everyone else know. Chances are, people already are aware of your ex’s character flaws–the narcissism, cheating, disrespect and broken friendships, strained professional relationships and “secret” romantic liaisons are likely already known by others.

  1. Don’t dig for the dirty details.

Don’t waste your time playing detective in search of all the dirty details. Researching your ex like this might add insult to your injured sense of self. You’re already suffering enough. Totally ban, or at least greatly limit yourself, from combing through your ex’s social media updates about the person they cheated on you with. Your ex may look like royalty there. But you know the magic won’t continue forever.

  1. Don’t accept blame.

Don’t allow your ex to place all of the blame on you. If you remain in contact with your ex, or have heard that they’re blamed you for their actions, remind yourself that cheating is a choice. Your ex could have discussed separation or divorce, offered to go to marriage counseling, or chose other respectful, decent courses of action. You did not cause them to be a lying cheater. That choice was made by your ex.

  1. Self Care

Take care of yourself. Spend time working on you. Join a relationship or divorce support group. Consider seeing a counselor or therapist to help you work through your loss, and to re-build your self-esteem. Go to the gym. Take a yoga class. Learn how to meditate. Take that bucket-list trip that you’ve been procrastinating about.

If you find self-help books are helpful, read them. If you think you need therapy, seek it. Care for your broken heart so you have closure and can move forward.

  1. Remember

Remind yourself often that you will get through this, and through the process you will become a wiser and better person.

In closing, it’s important to know in our minds and our hearts that every experience in our lives is a learning experience. Even in a broken relationship, we’re intended to learn something positive to incorporate into our life’s journey.

Eventually, you will feel gratitude about the relationship. You may even feel so secure in your closure that you can be on friendly terms with your ex. However, it’s okay for now to feel the hurt, the pain, and the anger. It will pass.

Please leave any of your own stories, comments, or tips that you think might serve the good of other readers.

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Healthy Endings to Relationships

A Helpful How-To: Healthy Endings to Relationships

People who are able to be open and feel compassion and love towards our former partners are in for a great reward. You’ll be able to feel deep self-love; a sense of closure, and will grow in the future so you can experience loving, healthy relationships.

Here are some things you can do to work towards this goal. I developed this list as I went through an ending of my own.

  1. Be kind to yourself and to your ex even if they’re acting with a mean spirit.
  2. Always be honest with yourself and with your ex.
  3. Be a true friend to your ex, even if your ex doesn’t reciprocate.
  4. Remember the beauty that was in the relationship
  5. Listen to your ex’s pain, even if it hurts you to do so.
  6. Understand that you might be causing pain.
  7. Let yourself feel your hurts.
  8. Work at feeling compassion for the person that hurt you. They’re human, too.
  9. Know that you’re not a mistake.
  10. If you hurt your ex, apologize. Then apologize again.
  11. Examine your role in the relationship and its ending.
  12. Discover yourself. Delve deeply within. Seek counseling if you need help doing this.
  13. Always choose the high road.
  14. Put yourself first, even if this means you need to leave the relationship.
  15. Don’t let the ex return to you if they haven’t truly changed. If they haven’t yet, they won’t.

In closing, strive to forgive, to release, and to remember.